


Ember Tears

by randomchickvh



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: All the losers are referenced, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Alvin Marsh sucks, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Beverly deserves the world, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy Scares, References to Depression, Richie Tozier & Stanley Uris Are Best Friends, Richie is my dumb gay son, Stanley Uris is a Good Friend, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2020-09-26 12:37:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20389843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomchickvh/pseuds/randomchickvh
Summary: No one gives Beverly Marsh credit for being as strong as she is. No one sees the tears that she cries or what happens behind closed doors after she turns 18. That is until her best friend notices and tries to help. But is she too far gone to be saved?





	1. Lost and Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: There is talk of self harm, rape, and suicidal thoughts. Nothing too graphic in this chapter, but I figured ya'll needed a warning anyway. All characters are 18! This is a dark story and my first attempt at writing fic. I want it to be multi-chapter but this chapter could be read as a one shot.

Being strong doesn’t seem like it should be that hard. In a perfect world everyone would be strong in the ways that are most beneficial to them. Unfortunately, nothing in this world is perfect. Half the time things in this world aren’t even nice. For her, it seemed that the majority of events that happened to her were solely to make her life harder. Those were the only thoughts going through her head as she tried to gain the courage to look at herself in the mirror. Looking at how broken her reflection was made her realize that she needed...something. Even she didn’t know what she needed. So she went wandering. She threw on a sweatshirt that was at least two sizes too big and a pair of sweatpants that she never wore in public. Hoping beyond hope that if her clothes were baggy enough she could hide what happened and could become invisible. That’s not how life works, not in Derry at least. It seemed that everywhere she went there was at least one person staring at her. And even though she knew it wasn’t true, it seemed like they knew what happened and were staring at her body in a new light. Even though it was early in the evening, she managed to not see any of her friends. Mentally she thanked whatever was in the universe for that. She didn’t know how she’d be able to face any of them what happened. She wouldn’t be able to tell them, none of them would believe her. But she wouldn’t be able to hide it either. Not with the physical and emotional marks that had been left. Her options, as she saw them, were to either cut her friends out of her life completely or no longer have a life. As dark as they sounded, it was the only way she knew to deal with this. Pulling the hood of her sweatshirt up, she decided to go with the second option. It would be faster and less painful than watching the people she loved forget about her. And as dark as it sounded, it was the option she had considered multiple times over the years. She even had a plan, all she needed was to buy the pills. She’d had the note written for months already so that wasn’t a problem. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice her surroundings until a truck managed to hit a puddle in the street and splash her. As if there wasn’t enough going on at that moment, she was now soaked. She went to flip off the back of the truck, but was surprised to see the driver getting out to apologize to her. She was even more surprised to see that the driver was her best friend.

“Bev, are you okay?” The look of concern he gave her plus the lack of any voices he used only made her want to cry harder.  
“I’m fine. You know it was great to see you, but I really have to go. Dad’s expecting me at home and all that.” She put her head back down to focus on the sidewalk as she tried to pass him and leave. He obviously didn’t get the memo of what she wanted and reached out and grabbed her wrist. Slowly she looked back up at him as he ran his free hand through his dark hair.

“I don’t believe you when you say you’re fine. And something in my gut is telling me to not let you go home, so please come to my place instead? We can get you in clothes that fit you better, I’m sure I have something close to your size. Even if they aren’t close to your size, they’ll at least be dry.”  
Against her better judgement, she gave a half smile, nodded her head, and allowed herself to be dragged to Richie’s truck and driven to his house.

When they got there, no one was home. Which didn’t surprise Bev at all. It also didn’t give her much peace of mind. There were no people there to distract Richie if she needed to escape. His attention would solely be on her. The thought made her flinch away and out of his grip. Richie didn’t say anything, he just looked at her, with a trace of hurt in his eyes. When they got to his bedroom, her breathing became more labored. Even though what happened wasn’t in Richie’s bedroom, the thought of going into a males room spiked her anxiety. Rolling her shoulders back, Bev tried to even out her breathing and give no outward signs of anything being wrong. Richie, again, just looked at her.

“I think this is the longest you’ve ever been quiet Rich. Did I stun you with my good looks?” She tried to joke to lighten the mood, but even to her own ears it sounded weak.  
“Always Bev.” He didn’t even try to joke back. No swear words, no ounce of joy in his voice.  
“Well….um...anyways…” She tried to come up with something to say while he rifled through his drawers, but she came up empty.  
“Here Bev, have some clothes.” Richie handed her one of his old band shirts and a pair of gym shorts. “They’re some old things I use for pajamas, they’ll probably fit you pretty well.”  
Beverly looked at the clothes he held, and shakily inhaled. They would show bruises. They would show wounds that haven’t been bandaged or started to heal. They would show the scars she’s made herself over the years.  
“You know...I appreciate the gesture Rich, but I’m pretty okay in my clothes right now.”  
He just raised an eyebrow at her. “You’re absolutely drenched Bev. How about we compromise. I’ll put the clothes in the bathroom, that way you can change at your pace after you shower.” Richie said this slowly and carefully, as if he was approaching a wounded animal, which she guessed he was. She slowly nodded her head, silently swearing that she’d find a way to stick with her current outfit.  
“Thanks.” It was short and clipped.

After Richie put the clothes in the bathroom she allowed herself to go in and slowly strip. While getting the water ready, she steadfastly refused to look at herself and made sure that her sweats were close so she could put them back on as soon as she was clean.  
It seemed that as soon as she started to wash her hair and finally relax, the door creaked open. Immediately Beverly started to have trouble breathing, and curled up in a ball in the corner of the shower. She closed her eyes and hoped that whatever was going to happen would be over quickly. She thought she had been crying silently, but she was proven wrong when she heard Richie call out to her.  
“Bev? Are you okay? Dumb question, I know you aren’t, I can hear you crying. I’m gonna come in and help you, okay?” As he said this, unbeknownst to her, he had been walking closer and closer to the shower. Before getting a response he moved the shower curtain to see her. All she could do was cover her face in shame after she saw the look in his eyes.  
“Holy shit. Bev.” His voice was softer than she had ever heard it. Like earlier, it lacked the joking tone that he always had. But unlike earlier his voice wasn’t empty, it was filled with heartbreak.

He had so much that he wanted to say and ask. So much that he wanted to do. But he couldn’t think of how to act, how to speak. He just took in her form. The blood on her legs, the bruises on her hips, upper thighs, and wrists that looked suspiciously like handprints, the bruises, no hickeys, all along her neck and chest, the scratches that went up her entire body. He suspected that if he saw her back, it would be much of the same. But what stuck out to him the most were the healed lines that ran up both of her arms. Where the rest of the injuries looked like they were accidental and new, those looked too neat and old to be anything but self-imposed.  
“Bev, I’m going to leave the room, I’m going to sit outside the door, okay?” She slowly raised her eyes and looked at him.  
“I’m going to sit outside the door, then when you’re dressed I’ll help bandage the wounds you’re comfortable with me touching, okay?” All she could do was blink and nod slightly in response.  
“Okay. I’ll be right outside for you Bev.” With that he left the room, shutting the door behind him and leaving her alone in the shower.  
Finding herself unable to continue her shower, Bev turned off the water and threw her sweats back on. She knew that she should wear the clothes that Richie provided, but she desperately needed the comfort that her sweats provided. As if knowing this, she was greeted with a new sweatshirt and flannel pajama pants when she opened the door.  
“I figured that you’d want to stay in sweats, but you really do need to put on some clean clothes.”  
“Thanks Rich.” She took the clothes and looked at him for a minute. “Um, since you kinda already saw things and you said something about bandaging things, you can come in if you want.” Beverly refused to make eye contact as she spoke, but she could see that he nodded. Silently the two of them walked into the bathroom. As she changed, she could feel his eyes on her. Trying to take in every injury. She could almost hear his brain thinking through what happened to her.  
“You think really loudly. I hope you realize that.”  
“Huh? Oh. Sorry.”  
When she was finished changing, she looked at Richie and made eye contact. The look in his eyes tore at her heart. He was in pain, and it was because of her.  
“I know you want to know what happened, I just. I don’t know how much I can actually say.” She thought her voice had been sounding relatively normal until that point. It caught in her throat and everything came out like a choked whisper. He reached out and grabbed her hand. Interlacing their fingers, he tried to make her realize that she wasn’t alone.  
“I can make guesses. Just nod or shake your head okay? You don’t have to look at me or say anything at all. And if it gets to be too much, just...punch me in the nose or something.” He tried to laugh at the end, and she appreciated the attempt at a joke. The attempt to make her feel like this was a normal conversation. Richie fell into silence again as he tried to sort through all of the questions racing through his head.  
“Do I know who did this to you?” Her eyes drop as she nods. He racked his brain trying to think of anyone he knew who could have this much hate in their body.  
“Was it Bowers or anyone in his gang?” She shook her head. That ruled out pretty much everyone he had in mind.  
“Was it...was it one of the losers?” In his heart he knew that it wasn’t. But he had to make sure.  
“What? Richie? No way. Do you really think that any of them could have done this?”  
“No Bev. Not at all. But I needed to make sure. You know that. But now I need to ask. Was it your dad?” Her arms went to hug herself as she nodded. It was so small that if he had blinked, Richie would have missed it. “Fuck Bev. I don’t want to ask this, but I have to. You know I have to. Did...did he…” He took a breath in and forced the words out of his mouth “did he rape you?” Another nod, even smaller than the last. With that answer Richie felt it as all of the air left his lungs. He felt his own tears start to form as he tried to process what he just learned.  
“Did he make every single scar that’s on your body?” That wasn’t the question Richie had wanted to ask. But he needed to before he could even think of asking the real question. He could see a tear on her cheek as she shook her head. He inhaled sharply, he understood what this meant.  
“Did you cut yourself?” His voice was audibly shaking and quiet as he asked. He saw the nod and felt his heart tear into pieces that his friend was going through this.  
“Were you ever going to tell us?” She shook her head violently.  
“Were you going to kill yourself tonight?” No part of him wanted to ask this question. No part of him even wanted to consider that it was a possibility. But his gut was telling him to ask, and since his gut had gotten him this far in life, he decided to follow it again. He doesn’t get a nod or a shake of the head. Instead he gets his answer by watching her completely hide into herself. The normally strong and confident Bev disappeared and in her place was a small child who seemed to be lost in the world. Without saying anything more, Richie went across the room to her and enveloped her in a hug. He could feel his own cries threatening to come out of his mouth, but he swallowed them down. This wasn’t the moment to break down. He needed to be strong. For her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the formatting is weird. Grammar and formatting are not my strong suits.


	2. Here for her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After telling Richie what happened, Bev feels the regret setting in. How can Richie make sure she's going to be okay?

It could have been minutes or even hours later when Richie finally let go of Bev. Neither one knew and neither cared. Slowly Bev began to pull away. Every instinct in Richie was screaming for him to keep holding on, but he ignored them and let go of her.   
“Thanks Rich” Her half smile was barely there, but it existed. That alone made him feel like he had helped. “I really appreciate it. But I should be going home. Dad’s going to worry.” She went to look for her original sweats, knowing that whatever was going to happen was going to be way worse if she came home in a boys clothes.   
“No!” Richie screamed out. His outburst scared both of them, making Bev flinch away from him. “I’m so sorry.” He saw her flinch and knew right away what he had done wrong. “I didn’t mean to yell. I can’t let you go back to your dad Bev. There’s no telling what he’ll do to you or what you’ll do to yourself. If anything new happened after knowing what I know, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”  
“Richie...it’s my battle. I have to fight it alone.” She looked resigned as she said it, as if she didn’t want to accept his words or his help.  
“You don’t have to face this alone Bev. You have me. You have the rest of the losers. You have so many people who care about you. We are here to help you.” Her face paled at the mention of the other losers.  
“Richie, I can’t tell the others about this. About any of this. You weren’t even supposed to know. I feel horrible enough that I hurt you. I can’t hurt them in the same way.” As she was speaking her eyes unconsciously widened and her words stumbled together as she struggled to breathe through an oncoming panic attack. Seeing this, Richie pulled her into another hug.  
“Beverly. You haven’t hurt me by telling me any of this. Okay? You wouldn’t hurt any of the losers by telling them this. If you’re that scared, I won’t tell anyone else until you’re ready, okay?”   
“Pinkie promise?” She raised her right hand and put her pinkie out. Waiting for him to quell her doubts.  
“Pinkie promise.” He wrapped their pinkies together, wondering how hard it would be to keep that promise to her.   
“Richie. I don’t want to go back there. But I have nowhere else to go. I can’t be homeless. I have to go back.” She pulled away from him again.  
“You don’t have to go back there.”   
“What are you talking about? Did you not hear what I just said? I have nowhere else to go.”  
“Move in with me.” His words came out in a rush.   
“What?”  
“Beverly. You’re 18. You can legally move out. Move in with me.” His speech had slowed down considerably, but she still doubted what he was saying.  
“Richie. I can’t move in here. Your parents will find out. I know that your parents are as bad as my dad. And I can’t be the reason you get hurt.”   
“No. Not here.” She looked at him with confusion written all over her face.  
“What are you talking about?”  
“I don’t really live here anymore. I kinda maybe rent an apartment and I just keep a few things here in case something happens or the parents notice that I’m not here anymore.” As he confessed that he unconsciously began to rub at the back of his neck. A sign that he had been caught and was being more vulnerable than he was comfortable with.  
“Richie, I can’t intrude like that. That’s your space. I wouldn’t have a way of helping with rent or anything like that. I’d be a huge burden on you.”  
“No you wouldn’t be. My grandparents left me a lot of money when they passed, and I’ve been working at the arcade on the weekends so I have plenty of money. You can get a job if you want, but I’m not going to pressure you into working. I don’t want you to feel like you ‘owe’ me or something.” He looked at her, pleading her with his eyes. She returned his gaze and saw that there was no sign of uncertainty or a hint of a lie.   
“What about the losers?” She questioned.  
“What about them?”  
“I’m guessing that you haven’t told them about your new apartment yet because I didn’t know about it. So what do we tell them? Do we tell them I’m moving in with you? Or what?”  
He didn’t miss the wavering in her voice when she said that she would be moving in with him, but he decided not to comment on it.  
“Honestly I didn’t even think about telling the losers I got a new place. We rarely ever come to the house so it didn’t seem like a big deal that I moved out. You can tell them that I have an apartment and that we’re going to be roommates if you want. That’s your call.”  
“No. Not yet. Not for a long time.” Her voice was stubborn and her face was determined. In that instant Richie thought it was the most “Bev” that she had been all day.  
“Okay. So it’s decided, you’ll move in with me in the morning. Right now I think you need sleep. And before you say anything, you take the bed, I’ll take the couch. We’ll go pick some of your stuff up in the morning when your dad is at work. If the losers call, we’ll tell them that we’re both busy or something. Let me handle that. Good old trashmouth can be a pretty convincing liar when he wants to be.” Richie took charge of the situation and Bev had never felt more grateful for anyone in her life.   
“Thank you.” It was all she could get out. She had so much more that she wanted to tell him. How he was the protective older brother she always wanted. She wanted to tell him that she loved him for helping her. That he was so much more than what his parents had told him. But none of it came out. The words just got stuck in her throat. She only hoped that he understood how much more she meant with those two words. The look in his eyes made it seem like he knew what she was thinking.  
“Of course Bev. I’m here for you. Always.” Richie tried to reassure her that she was more than what her dad did to her and that he would always be her support system. The same way she was for him.  
Even though the words spoken in that exchange were small and unremarkable, they both knew what the other meant. That’s what made their friendship so special.   
There was a comfortable silence that followed their sentences as Richie got up to grab clothes to sleep in and blankets for the couch. He gave her a slight wave as he left his bedroom and let out a sigh of relief when he didn’t hear the door lock after she closed it. She trusted him. That thought put a smile on his face as he went to the living room to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a shorter chapter I know! The next one might be short too. This just felt like the right place to end it. Leave me comments of what you think and what you want to see happen!


	3. The Princess and the Airhead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bev and Richie venture to her home to grab her things and hopefully start a new life. But why does someone else show up? And what do the two of them find?

The next morning Richie woke up to a back that was in pain, cramped legs, and the crash of a redhead as she fell over.  
“Bev? What’s going on?” Richie propped himself on his elbows and reached for his glasses. Once he put them on, the view waiting for him was Beverly in her original sweats from the day before, frozen as she was putting a shoe on.  
“Ummmmmm” she looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “Nothing Richie. Just go back to sleep.”  
“I don’t think I can. There’s something about seeing my beautiful best friend trying to sneak out of my house that makes it hard to sleep. Especially when I know what’s going to happen to her if she leaves.”  
“I’m sorry Richie. I just...I don’t think I can actually go through with this. He’s still my dad. I still love him. And I know that if he finds out about this, about me spending the night here and you offering to help me, he’ll kill you. I can’t put you in danger like that.”  
“Bev.” Richie walked towards her and grabbed her hands. “I know you still love him. But he doesn’t deserve it. He’s hurt you so much. I don’t care if he comes after me. I just want to make sure that you’re okay. Please can we stick to the original plan? Even if it’s just for a week. You live with me in my apartment for a week, and if you feel really guilty and want to go back to your dads you can. I’ll take the fall with your dad. I’ll take whatever beating he gives me if you want to move back after a week. But please can we give it a chance?”  
Bev stared into his brown eyes. They were filled with emotions that she couldn’t even name. But she didn’t see any pity, only genuine caring.  
“Okay. Let’s go before I lose my nerve.”  
The car ride to Beverly’s home was silent. The anxiety was rolling off Bev in waves, and Richie couldn’t think of anything he could say to make things okay. So they just sat there as Richie drove. When he got to the street next to hers, he pulled over and parked the truck. He knew that her dad would be at work, but in a small town like Derry, it was always better to be cautious. Especially when they were trying to move Bev out of her home and into his. People might see his truck, but if they did, it wouldn’t be parked directly outside her place so it wouldn’t seem as suspicious. Climbing up the fire escape while Bev went through the front door was almost second nature by this point. He had climbed up and snuck into her apartment more times than he could count. He had been sneaking over to get away from his parents or to help her with her dad since they first became friends. It was something they had bonded over. But he never thought that it could end up this bad for either of them. He was so lost in his thoughts and memories that he didn’t hear Beverly open the window, and didn’t feel her tapping on his shoulder.  
“Trashmouth? You still with me or do I need to start calling you airhead instead?”  
“I’m here. Just thinking about all of the times I came here to smoke after I got done with Eddie’s mom.”  
The jokes were more forced than normal. There wasn’t a feeling of easy-going banter like there normally was. The jokes, as bad as they were, were necessary to lighten the mood and ease the tension. It made them feel like normalcy wasn’t impossible.  
“Well come on airhead. We don’t have all day. So get your gross ass in here already!” He laughed as he tried to climb through the window without falling.  
“Excuse me ma’am. My ass is not gross. It is the most beautiful ass in all of Derry!” The idiocy of his statement combined with the conviction in his voice made them both crack up the second he finished.  
“The apartment is furnished, I have an air mattress there already. So grab whatever clothes, makeup, and instruments of torture for your female voodoo that you need.”  
“Oh hon. There’s not enough space in any apartment for all of my witchy tricks.” She scoffed at him and turned away to grab a bag for clothes.  
“Well damn, that’s vaguely threatening. I think I’m just gonna chill over here before you put a spell on me.” He wiggled his fingers at her, pretending that he was harnessing some magic of his own before sitting on her floor. As he sat down he stretched out his legs and put his hands against the molding that separated the floor from the wall. But the molding wasn’t strong. When his right hand rested on it, the molding started to slightly come away from the wall. When he looked down, Richie realized that it wasn’t attached to the wall. Almost as if it was a hiding place. He tried to keep his face neutral as he absentmindedly bickered back and forth with Bev. His curiosity was killing him, he wanted to know if it was a hiding place and what could possibly be in there. But he didn’t want to push Bev into telling him anymore secrets.  
“Hey airhead, while you were sitting there, trying and failing to look pretty, I packed up all my clothes. I’ll be a few minutes to grab stuff from my bathroom and then I’ll be ready to go.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about princess, I always look pretty. I’m obviously the eye candy in this relationship.”  
“If you say so, hon.” Bev rolled her eyes and walked down the hallway to her bathroom. The second she was out of sight, Richie gave into his curiosity. As quietly as he could, he tore the molding away from the wall. And what he saw proved him right. Bev did have a little hidey hole. Richie thought that by knowing that he was right, his curiosity would be sated. Of course, he was dead wrong. As he went to put the molding back, a flash of red caught his eye. In the hole, there was a picture that Richie hadn’t seen since he was thirteen. It was a picture that Bill had drawn and given Bev the day after she cut her hair. He was so proud of that picture and Richie could recall him stuttering even worse than normal when telling him that he wanted to give it to Bev so she knew that she was still pretty. Neither Bev nor Bill had ever brought the drawing up after that day, so Richie figured that she had forgotten about it or had given it back to Bill later. But seeing it in pristine condition, in a secretive hiding place made Richie smile. When he went to put back the drawing, he saw a stack of notes. Once again he reached his hand into the wall the find out what Bev had been hiding. What he pulled out was a stack of letters. There were seven of them. One addressed to the losers club as a whole and the rest were addressed to the losers individually. Richie could guess what they were and the thought made him sick. He realized how serious she was about ending her life before he found her. For the millionth time in twenty-four hours, he thanked his lucky stars that he splashed her with water by accident. Instead of putting these items back in the wall, Richie put them in his pocket and put the molding back against the wall, trying to hide what he had found.  
Unbeknownst to him, while he was doing that, Bev had collected her stash of razors from the bathroom and had packed them away. Hoping that Richie wouldn’t look into her toiletry bag. When she re-entered her bedroom she felt a wave of anxiety hit. She knew that leaving was the right thing, but the thoughts of what her dad would do to her if she got caught, stayed in her head.  
As she gathered all of her bags and decided what she wanted Richie to take to his truck, Bev heard someone clearing their throat. At that sound, she could feel her heart pounding in her chest, thinking that it was her dad. But when she looked up, she just saw Bill at her window.  
“Hey Bev.” Bill looked like he wanted to come inside, but he was conflicted when he noticed Richie in her room.  
“Jesus Bill, you almost gave me a heart attack. Wait. What are you doing here?” She questioned him, hoping that her anxiety of thinking her dad was home wasn’t written all over her face.  
“We were supposed to meet up about twenty minutes ago, remember?” He spoke slowly, trying to not stutter. His stuttering had improved greatly over the years, but it still came out when he was nervous.  
“Shit. I’m sorry Bill. I completely forgot. And I kinda made plans with Richie for the day. Can I take a rain check? We’ll figure it out tomorrow at the quarry okay?”  
Bill looked unsure and kept glancing at Richie every few seconds.  
“Um...yeah..s-sure. I g-guess I’ll s-s-see you guys t-tomorrow.” He looked upset as he left, but she didn’t know if it was because she cancelled or because he stuttered.  
After a few moments of silence Richie decided he needed to speak up  
“Sooooooooooo you and Big Bill huh?” He questioned with a teasing look on his face  
“Oh shut up, we were just going to hang out as friends.” Richie would have believed her, if he didn’t see the slightest blush start to appear on her cheeks.  
“Whatever you say princess. Give me a bag, let’s get out of here and get you to your new home.”  
“Yeah yeah airhead, take this one,” she shoved the bag full of clothing at him, “and I’ll meet you by your truck after I lock the front door.”  
As he went to climb out the window again, she stopped him.  
“Really Richie. Thank you for this. It means a lot.”  
“I know Bev.” There was a moment of silence. “Now, enough of this mushy shit. Casa de Tozier awaits!” With a laugh, he climbed out the window and took her clothes with him to his truck. She let out a slight giggle at his antics, took her toiletry bag that held her razors, took a deep breath, and went out the front door. Ready to try living with Richie for a week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super proud of this chapter. It took a long time for me to write and I'm so sorry about that. Grad school and work has been kicking my ass. I do have part of the next chapter written so I'm hoping that I'll get that out this week! 
> 
> There will be more swearing and more losers club content from here on out. Y'all have been warned.


	4. Can we pretend to be normal?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Beverly are trying to act normal the first time they hang out with the Loser's after the conversation and move. Bill and Eddie have to deal with emotions they aren't used to, and everyone else is just trying to have fun.

When the losers met up at the quarry the next day, they were shocked to see Bev and Richie there already. Richie was never good at being on time to anything, and even though the two were close, none of the losers could remember the last time the two of them showed up somewhere together. Richie was normally with Eddie when he made it to hang outs and Bev was either by herself or with Bill. It was just how things worked. So seeing the two of them engrossed in conversation before anyone else arrived put Bill and Eddie on edge. Stan, Mike, and Ben all took notice, but figured they had just met up to smoke. As the group started to get closer they could hear snippets of the conversation.

“Listen asshole, I don’t snore. I don’t care what you say I didn’t snore last night.”  
“Uh-huh. Sure princess. And my hair is perfectly straight.”  
“Shut up airhead.”  
“Only if you make me princess.”  
"Hey Richie?" Her voice got uncharacteristically quiet and the losers could barely hear her. "We're going to be normal right? Things between us aren't going to change? How we interact with the losers isn't going to change?"  
"Of course Bev. We're going to be fine. Us as us, and us with the losers. I pinkie promise."  
The conversation seemed almost flirty in a way that the other losers didn’t understand. The pinkie promise and the look on Richie and Bev's faces as they made it were intimate feeling that none of the losers knew how to react. Bill and Eddie were looking more and more uncomfortable with every word and action. Especially when they heard the nicknames ‘airhead’ and ‘princess’. No one had ever called the two of them either of those names before. For some reason, Bill and Eddie felt jealous that Richie and Bev had secret nicknames. Seeing the expressions on Bill and Eddie’s faces, Mike and Ben pulled them away while Ben got Richie and Bev’s attention.

“Hey! Smokers anonymous, we’re here. You guys gonna come swim with us or not?!” Stan yelled at them. Not in a mean way, just so that he could be heard over their conversation. He noticed how even the small amount he raised his voice made Beverly flinch. Stan also saw how Richie immediately checked on her to make sure she was okay. He filed the information away to ask Richie about at a later date as he walked towards the group. He took a quick glance behind his back to see Bev and Richie hugging and slowly following.

“I don’t know about airhead over here, but I just wanted to relax and watch you guys make fools out of yourselves playing chicken. So I’m gonna stay on the land today.” Bev made that statement the second the two of them reached the group. Stan once again noticed that she didn’t look into anyone’s eyes as she told them she wasn’t going to swim. Bill did look at her and eyed her light sweatshirt and jeans outfit critically. Almost as if he knew she was hiding something. But they all knew not to question her when she decided on something, so the boys just shrugged and tried to let it go.  
Richie of course decided to make a spectacle of himself to get any lingering thoughts off Bev. As he started to run toward the cliff to jump, he stripped and tripped in a way that made him look like a baby giraffe

“Last one in smells like Eddie’s moms underwear!” He shouted as he cannonballed down into the water.  
“God dammit you asshole, leave my mom out of this!” Eddie screamed back as he and the rest of the boys rushed to jump into the water.

As the day went on, the boys continued to make fools of themselves. Bev stayed on the shore and laughed at her boys splashing and dunking each other. Occasionally she would shout out encouragement to Richie and Bill as they got into a splash war with the rest of the losers. And she became Mike and Ben’s biggest cheerleader as they creamed every possible combination of the other losers in chicken. As they hours went by, the events of the morning were pretty much forgotten. When it started to get dark out, Bev was the first to let out a yawn.

“Today was exactly what I needed you guys. But now I’m exhausted and ready for some food and some sleep. So I’ll see you losers later!” She rose and stretched her arms up, showing off a small sliver of her stomach. Richie noticed and yanked it down before anyone could see the bruising there. Only Bill and Eddie seemed to notice.  
“L-l-let me walk you home B-b-bev.” Bill blushed, clearly annoyed by his stuttering, and started to stand and walk towards her. Seeing the distressed look on her face Richie spoke up  
“Nah Big Bill, I can walk her home. You don’t need to worry your pretty little face about it.”  
She shot him a thankful look, not wanting to explain anything to Bill.  
“W-what? R-r-richie, you live in the opposite direction of B-b-bev. Her house is on my way. It m-m-makes s-s-s-s-sense for me to walk her home. B-besides, d-don’t you normally walk Eddie h-h-h-home anyway?” Bill was getting clearly frustrated with Richie, all of the losers could tell. Mike and Ben even got into positions to grab him in case there was a reenactment of the one time Richie and Bill got into a physical fight.  
“Well yeah, but I do that to get some good good Mrs K loving, and she wore me out last night.” The joke was weak, even for him. And everyone noticed it. Eddie gave a look of disbelief at the joke. As he started to open his mouth to ask if Richie was okay, Bev cut in.  
“Bill, it’s fine. I’m fine with Richie taking me home. Besides, he drove so it’ll be faster anyways.” Bev tried to take control of the situation before someone started to really question the two of them.  
“W-w-w-wait, how do you know he d-d-d-d-drove? I-i-i-i didn’t even know h-h-he drove. Did a-a-anyone know he drove?” Bill looks to the other losers. All of them shake their heads after giving the question some thought.  
“I mean, they were both here before both of us, that never happens.” Ben piped up. “Maybe he picked her up and that’s how she knew?”  
“No. Trashmouth would still be late if he was picking her up.” Stan didn’t even look up from his bird book as he put his two cents into the conversation.  
“Yeah, and no offense Bev, but you guys are even worse about being on time when you’re together. This whole situation is weird.” Eddie spoke without looking at Richie or Beverly. There was some underlying current in his voice that neither could place.  
“Guys.” Mike, ever the voice of reason popped up, “if he wants to drive her home, let him. It’s not that big of a deal. We’ve all taken turns walking each other home before. What’s the big deal this time?”

Sighing Bill realized that he wasn’t going to win this battle. “C-c-can I at least w-w-w-walk with you to R-r-richie’s t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. Fuck. His truck?” Bev nodded and waved Richie to go to the truck ahead of the two of them. Richie almost ran ahead of them, desperate to get out of the awkwardness of this situation. Once he and Bev started to walk, he went to reach for her hand, but she pulled away. He tried to not feel disappointed, but he was. He couldn’t understand what had happened in the span of a week to make her change her behaviors so drastically. Bill attempted to make conversation and maybe get an answer to at least one of his questions with Bev as they left the group.  
“Soooo, you n-never really cancel p-p-plans. E-e-e-everything o-okay?” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bev stiffen slightly before responding.  
“Yeah, I’ve just been busy. Trying to figure out the future and all of that. How about you? Everything okay with you? You’ve been stuttering a lot more than normal.” He knew that she was trying to deflect the conversation, and he let her. He mindlessly talked about school and how much he hated his English teacher. He avoided her statement about his stuttering. Bill didn’t know how to explain that what was happening with her and Richie was the problem. She didn’t seem to notice his avoidance, nor did she seem to care. Her posture had visibly relaxed when the attention was taken off her and she was obviously not paying attention, so he didn’t push any of the thoughts running through his head. When they reached the truck, Richie was already in the front seat, ready to go. Bill went to give Bev a hug goodbye but she just side stepped it and got into the passenger seat.

“Sorry Bill. I...I think I’m getting sick. Wouldn’t want to infect you. I’ll call your house to set something up when I’m feeling better” He would’ve believed that she was sick if he didn’t see her reach for Richies hand the second she was inside the truck.  
“Yeah. Totally. I’ll see you later then.” He awkwardly took a step back and watched as the truck drove away. His face only getting more defeated as he realized that they weren’t going in the direction to Bev’s house. Sighing, he turned around to go to the rest of the losers.


	5. Everybody Talks Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Beverly and Richie driving off together after spending the day with the losers.

When Bill returned to the rest of the losers, they could all tell that something was wrong. Their normally confident leader was slumped over himself and he didn’t look at anyone when he got back. The other four looked at each other, wondering what could have happened in the five minutes he was with Bev.

Stan, as always, was the only one brave enough to speak out and try to find the truth. “What happened?”

Bills head snapped up and when he turned to face Stan, his eyes were steely and hard. “I d-d-d-d-d-on’t k-k-k-know what you m-m-m-mean.”

“Cut the bullshit Bill. You left to walk with Bev in an okay mood, and now you’re way worse and you’re stuttering like we’re thirteen again.”

“F-f-fuck you St-stan.”

“We all know that I’m not the one you want to fuck. Plus you’re basically my brother and I’m not into incest.”

With that Stan looked back to his book. Mike, Ben, and Eddie just stared at him. Usually no one talked to Bill that way. But Bill also didn’t usually give people a reason to.

Mike was the first to break the tension that Stan had made. “He’s kinda got a point Bill;” Mike sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck, “at first only Richie and Bev were acting oddly, but now you are too. We just want to know you’re okay.”

At the mention of Richie’s name Bill visibly grimaced. Eddie also looked a little off at the mention of Richie and Bev. Stan noticed and put it in his mind as something to talk to his friend about at a later date.

“So it has something to do with Richie?” Realization dawned on Ben’s face after he said it. “Oh my god. You have a crush on Beverly and don’t like the fact that her and Richie got so close so fast!” Bill tried to stumble through a denial, but the blush covering his face and neck told his friends the truth.

“I don’t get why that would upset you though? We’re all so close to each other, I’ve always thought that Richie and Bev understood each other differently than we do. It’s nothing new.” Ben tried to see the situation through Bills eyes, but he couldn’t see anything weird or super abnormal going on. Eddie did seem to get where Bill was coming from and finally spoke up.

“I get it Bill. Richie was not Richie today. He didn’t make nearly as many sex jokes as normal, he only brought up my mom like five times, that’s an all time low for him, there were no nicknames for any of us except her, and he kept looking over at her all the time. Even during conversations about Star Wars.”

Stan could see that Eddie was starting to work himself up into a panic attack with how he sped up while talking, so he once again took control of the situation. “I will go talk to Richie soon, okay? I know him better than anyone, no offense guys, and I’ll figure out what’s going on.”

Mike and Ben look relieved that someone had come up with an answer. They hated it when there was any tension in the group, they just wanted their friends to be happy.

“A-a-a-are y-y-y-you sure?”

“I’m positive Bill. Now I’m going home. I’ll see you guys later.”

With that Stan walked into the fading sun, and the rest of the losers followed his lead and went home for the night. What none of them knew was that they weren’t the only ones dealing with tension filled conversations.

Once they got back to the apartment Bev felt that she was able to take a breath and let her exhaustion take over. She didn’t realize how draining it was going to be to spend the day with her friends. It slightly sickened her with how fake she felt. Bev hated lying to her friends and pretending that everything was normal after the last few days was the biggest lie she could think of.

As she started to head to the bedroom that her and Richie shared, she thought out loud,

“You’re the absolute best Richie. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through today without you.”

“Anything for you love.” Richie responded uncharacteristically seriously as he pulled her into a hug and kissed her on the top of her head.

“You’re going to make a girl so happy one day.” She spoke quietly into the hug, Richie almost didn’t hear it.

”Is that girl you Bev? I mean, I know I’m such a catch because I saved you. Plus I’ve already seen you naked sooooooooo.” He pulled away slightly to look at her and waggle his eyebrows.

”Fuck off rich, me paying you a compliment doesn’t mean i want to sleep with you or date you.”

She tried to sound like she was joking, but he could hear the fear in her voice as she considered the possibility that he wanted something out of this. She started to speak faster and faster until Richie couldn’t tell if she was even breathing.

“And yeah you saw me naked, but that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything. I can’t believe you’d be one of the guys that feel that way. What the hell, I should just move out because I can’t deal with you feeling I owe you something. Not after everything that happened. I thought you were better than that, better than him. But if you really only care about my body and don’t care about me as a person you should just fuck off and leave like everyone else. Hell even if you don’t you should still leave before I ruin you too.”

Richie flinched at being compared to her father, but he understood better than anyone how you could see your abusers in the faces and actions of everyone, so he didn’t take offense. Instead he just pulled her in for another hug. He was only slightly surprised that she let him, but he wasn’t going to question it.

”Bev. I’m not going to leave. The losers aren’t going to leave. You have good things in your life even if you don’t want to believe it.”

”How can I believe it? Everything hurts all the time. I might have good things in my life, but I ruin them. If you won’t leave, let me leave before I ruin you too.”

Richie could feel her tears getting onto his shirt but he couldn’t bring any part of him to care. His main purpose was making sure that Bev knew how loved she was. Even if it took years, he knew that he wouldn’t give up on her. Convincing her of that was going to be the hard part. After a moment of silence, he finally responded. “

Beverly. You can’t ruin what’s already broken. Besides, I don’t know what I would do without you, you’re my best friend. You’re a ray of sunshine is this piece of shit town. You’re the sister I never had but always wanted. I’m not in love with you, but I love you and I’m not letting you go anywhere.”

She looked at him, and silently raised her pinkie. He fought a grin as he realized how serious she was. He knew how much she needed the reassurance he and made the pinkie promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I got my mojo back with this story! The words all just sounded wrong for a while and I'm so sorry it took me so long to post this. I should have the next chapter up soon to make it up to you guys though! Also Mike and Ben are too normal for me to write, but I'm trying to give them the love they deserve.
> 
> Thanks for the love, and grammar criticisms. Like I said, I suck at grammar and formatting and since I generally post the chapter right after I write it, I don't think about those things too much.


	6. Friday Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Bev have finally been able to settle into a routine. Here's hoping nothing ruins it.

The next month went by faster than any of the losers could have predicted. Bev and Richie had fallen into a comfortable routine while they were at their apartment. Unfortunately, it was a slightly different story when they were with the other losers. Beverly would often decline loser hangouts and avoid Bill like he had the plague. When she would go to the quarry or the movies with everyone, she made excuses for her clothing and either stayed by herself or was attached to Richie’s side. Richie was better about hanging out with the losers but everyone could tell that something was off with him. Where he used to make sexual jokes and comments whenever he could, he had almost completely stopped. Even when the losers would intentionally set him up for a sexual joke, he very rarely took advantage of it. He also made sure to leave early anytime that Beverly hadn’t gone. Mike, Stan, and Ben never really commented on the issue, feeling that if something was happening, then Richie and Beverly would talk to them in their own time. Bill and Eddie however, were the complete opposite.

Even with the tension in the group, everyone was excited to get together that night. Bills’ parents were out of town with Georgie for the weekend so all the losers were going over to his house to have a movie marathon, loser sleepover extravaganza.

The morning started as normally for Richie as any other morning that month. When he woke up Beverly was already in the kitchen making the two of them coffee. With the bruising almost completely gone, she had started to wear shorts and tank tops again. Even though she only wore them in the apartment, Richie saw it as a step in the right direction.

“Top o the mornin to ya lassie.” He did a half hearted salute in her direction. His voice was still slightly groggy with sleep.

“Richie, I keep telling you that your Irish cop is the weakest of your voices. Which is saying a lot.” She shot him a wink and laughed while she handed him his coffee, to show that she was joking.

Richie dramatically gasped and acted as if he was clutching at a pearl necklace. “Why Miss Marsh! So cruel! So wounding! I don’t know how I’ll ever recover from such vile words so early in the morning.”

“Oh suck it up airhead, maybe one day you’ll be talented. I mean, miracles can happen.”

The two kept bantering as they drank their coffee and cleaned up the apartment. As much as he tried, Richie was a messy person. So they had made it routine to clean every morning or so. The banter ended when Richie put on his favorite mixtape. The first song on it was Africa by Toto. Richie was constantly trying to convince Bev that it was the best song in existence. As happened every time he put on music, the two of them gave up on cleaning and ended up dancing together. The feeling of lighthearted domesticity was something neither of them were used to, but they loved it all the same.

As the hours went by, the two kept enjoying each others company. It seemed they never ran out of things to talk about. Around 2pm Richie noticed the time and stopped talking abruptly.

“What’s wrong Rich?” Bev sounded nervous. Not many things made him stop talking so suddenly.

“Nothing. I just noticed the time. It’s 2. We’re supposed to be at Bills for the movie weekend at 4 and I haven’t packed shit yet.” Richie stood up to start looking for a duffel bag. He kept rambling, not noticing how Beverly had stilled and gone pale.

“Most of your bruises are healed so you could probably get away with wearing shorts and a long sleeved shirt to sleep in, that way you won’t get overheated but can still hide things if you want. I’ll bring shirts for all of the guys to put on. I know you’re okay with me sleeping shirtless but I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed by six attractive shirtless guys.” When he didn’t get a joke in response, Richie looked over to Beverly and saw that she was frozen.

“Princess? Beverly? You there? What’s going on?” Richie started to move slowly towards her, not touching her. He did his best to keep his voice steady. He didn’t fully understand what was going on but he didn’t want to make anything worse.

“Richie?” She barely whispered out his name.

“Yeah?” He crouched down to her level to make eye contact and saw the myriad of tears waiting to fall.

“This weekend is the movie weekend?”

“Yeah Bev.”

“That means that today is the 20th.”

“Yeah, why?” Beverly’s eyes finally focused on his and the tears began to fall.

“Richie. I was supposed to get my period two weeks ago.”

“Okay? I don’t get why that’s a problem. Isn’t it nice to not get your period? Not deal with pain?”

“Richie.” Her eyes were pleading with his and she grasped his hands. “This means I haven’t had my period since...the night you found me.” Richie’s eyes grew wide as her words finally sunk into his brain.

“You...you think you might be…? With his…?” Richie couldn’t bring himself to finish either sentence. Instead he searched her face, looking for anything that denied his thoughts.

“Yeah.” She barely breathed out the word before bursting into full fledged sobs. Richie didn’t know what else he could do besides hold her while she calmed down.

Once Beverly had stopped crying into Richie’s arms, it was close to 2:30. He kept holding her until she was able to look up at him and pull away.

“Do you still want to go to Bills? I can call him and tell him we won’t be there or you won’t be there. I’m sure it would be okay.”

“No, I can’t. We’ve cancelled so much lately. I know the other are getting tired of it. I can’t lose them.” Beverly had wanted to take Richie up on the offer, but knew the risks were too high. She needed the losers in her life.

“Beverly, you aren’t going to lose them. Even if they don’t know what’s going on. Losers stay together, remember? But you really should tell them soon.” Richie looked intently into her eyes, trying to convey how serious he was about every word leaving his mouth.

“I will, soon. I promise.”

“Pinkie promise?” He raised his pinkie towards her.

“Of course.” She smirked at him and completed the pinkie promise.

When he went down to kiss her on the top of her head, she wondered where she would be without him and why a pinkie promise became their ‘thing’.

“Can you pack a bag for me Rich? I’m going to try to make it look like I haven’t been crying.”

“Sure thing love. Long sleeved shirt and shorts for sleep?” She nodded and saw a strange gleam in his eye. “How about underwear? What about a matching set? It is the first time you’re seeing Big Bill in a while. And at his house.” Richie waggled his eyebrows at her and ran into the bedroom when she stood up.

Laughing she responded, “You dick! Just because you have weird kinks of being caught doesn’t mean us normal people do!” Richie kept laughing as he went and packed their bags.

Shaking her head at his antics, Bev started towards the bathroom. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she sighed at the amount of damage control she had to do. Her blue eyes were ringed with red, her cheeks were puffy, her hair looked as if she had been electrocuted, and her face and chest were blotchy. Anyone who looked at her would be able to tell that something was wrong.

She decided to throw her hair into a ponytail after brushing it, and went about putting on her makeup. Unfortunately, she had perfected the art of covering everything with makeup while still looking as if she had none on. Her mind was racing through the process of looking normal again and finally slowed down as she put on mascara.

“Hey Richie?” She shouted towards him, not looking towards the door.

“What’s up princess?” He didn’t shout, but instead put the bags by the front door and walked closer to her. “Looking good by the way.”

“Thanks airhead.” She rolled her eyes, but as she started to speak again her voice got quieter.

“Can we go to the pharmacy and pick up a...you know...before we go to Bills? I just, I really need to know.”

“Sure thing!" He tried to keep his voice calm and steady, but he could feel his heart in his throat. "If we go now, we should have time to come back here for you to take the test and then be fashionably late to Bills. No one should be surprised if we’re a few minutes late.”

“Thank you so much, just let me put my makeup in my bag and then I’ll be ready to go.”

Richie nodded and walked away to grab his keys and shoes. While his back was turned Bev grabbed her makeup, reached into the depths of her drawer in the bathroom, and grabbed a razor to put into her bag too. ‘Just in case.’ She thought. Pushing that thought to the back of her mind, Bev quickly put it into her makeup bag and put her makeup bag into her duffel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I am so sorry with how long it has taken me to update. I promise I'm trying to do my best! I just want to make sure that I'm proud of what I'm posting.


	7. Enter the test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before they can go enjoy a movie weekend with the losers, Beverly and Richie need to buy a pregnancy test. The anxiety between the two of them is palpable and all they want to do is get in and out of the store as quickly as possible so people don't get the wrong idea.

The ride to the pharmacy felt much longer than the measly five minutes. There was a tension in the car that neither were prepared to deal with.   
Richie tried to keep his thoughts positive to lighten the mood of the vehicle, but he couldn’t help the “what if’s” that plagued his mind.   
Beverly didn’t even try to hide her anxiety. Her leg was bouncing at an alarming rate and her hands were playing with the key on her necklace so much that Richie was afraid it was going to break off. When he pulled into the parking lot, Richie let out a sigh and wished he could get some of the tension out of his body. He looked over at Beverly and noticed that she hadn’t reacted to being at the pharmacy.

“Bev? We’re here.” Richie’s voice pulled Beverly out of her thoughts.

“Oh. Okay.” Her body didn’t move. Her voice was the only indication Richie had that she had heard him.

“Do you want me to come inside with you? To buy the...the test?” Richie’s voice wavered as he spoke and the uncomfortable look on his face would have been hilarious in any other situation.

“No.” Bev barely whispered it, Richie wasn’t even sure he heard her. 

“No?” Richie repeated the word back to her. He didn’t know what he expected her answer to be, but that wasn’t it.

“Yes.” 

“Yes?” Now Richie was very confused. He kept staring at Beverly, hoping to get a clear answer from her.

“I don’t know Richie.” She finally turned her face to look at him. “I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want people to get ideas. I already have a reputation here. I don’t need it to get worse.”

The miserable look on her face made Richie want to pull her into a hug and never let go. Unfortunately he knew that wasn’t an option. 

They sat in silence for a few more minutes. Richie desperately wanted to say something comforting, but he couldn’t find the words. Beverly had moved her head back to its previous position, so instead of looking at him, she was staring out the windshield. Her body had become statue-esque in its posture. She wasn’t playing with her necklace anymore, and her leg had stopped bouncing. Her eyes weren’t tracking the people walking in and out of the store. If he didn’t know any better, he’d think she had fallen asleep with her eyes open.

Richie was the complete opposite of Beverly. He kept looking at the side of her face, searching for a solution to her problem. Then he would look out the window and see all the residents of Derry. All the people who made Beverly so broken. All the people who didn’t care about her or any of his friends. Finally his gaze settled on the clock on his radio. 3:40. He blinked, wondering where the time had gone. He was so in shock by the time that he only watched as it ticked on. 3:41. 3:42. When the clock hit 3:43, he was brought out of his trance. Unless they got the test right now, they wouldn’t have time to go back to the apartment to take it before they went to Bills. Richie knew that he could send a text and say they would be late, but he knew how upset everyone would be. Richie knew his friends expected the two of them to be late, but there was only so much leeway that gave them.

Realizing they had to act quickly, Richie turned off the car, undid his seat belt, and leaned over to undo Bevs. 

“Come on Bev. We’re gonna do this. I’m not letting you pussy out.”

“Rich...I don’t know if I can.” She looked as if she was on the verge of tears

“Who the fuck are you and what did you do to my best friend? You must know her. Red hair, blue eyes, pale as a ghost, the most badass person I’ve ever met?” 

“My hair is actually strawberry blonde Airhead.”

“Strawberry blonde, red, whatever. It’s a color. Now, are you gonna be the confident badass I know and get this or am I going to have to find a new best friend?”

“Richie you are such a dick.” The words might have stung if she wasn’t laughing.   
“Come on, let’s go. If anyone says anything we’re buying it as a joke on Eddie that you got his mom pregnant.” She kept laughing to herself as she got out of the car and Richie was glad to see the fire back in her eyes.

“Why Miss Marsh, are you insinuating that I don’t wrap it before I tap it? What am I? A heathen?” He could barely get the words out without laughing. Whether that was due to the comically overdone offended voice he used, or the actual content was unknown to him.

“Yes. You are a heathen.” Beverly deadpanned her response as she looped arms with him. They both burst out laughing again as they entered the store.

Luckily for them, the store was mostly empty. It seemed that everyone that Richie had seen walk in had left during his impromptu pep talk. As they walked to the family planning aisle, Richie could sense Beverly tensing up again. So he did what he did best, he started talking.

“Bev. Pssssssst Bev.” Richie leaned close to her and stage whispered. Not expecting that, Beverly jumped a bit in shock.

“Jesus Christ Rich.” She wiped at the side of her face. “You need to work on your whisper sounds, now I have Richie spit on me.”

“That means you’ve been blessed my dear.”

“Well take it back.”

“No can do Princess, once you have been blessed by this guy, you are blessed for life.”

“Disgusting.” Beverly looked towards the shelves with the tests, not knowing which one to get. Richie, having even less experience in that aisle than Beverly, decided to wander up and down and see what jokes he could make. After a minute he saw Beverly pick one up and hesitate. Slowly and quietly he moved closer to her. When he was able, he snatched the test out of her hands and put it in his back pocket.

“What the hell Richie!?”

“Princess, I had to grab it from you. So that you could help me choose the right condoms I need for Mrs K.”

“Richie. I don’t know how to tell you this. But I don’t think they sell travel sized condoms for your travel sized dick.” She patted his shoulder comfortingly and looked into his eyes with a look of sincere regret.

“Beverly! My dick is not travel sized! My dick is like a king sized candy bar, huge and a treat.” 

“I don’t think comparing your dick to candy bars that children look forward to on Halloween is smart.” A new voice popped up. Over the sound of their joking, Bev and Richie hadn’t noticed a group of people enter the store. When they heard the voice, Beverly and Richie froze. Richie did his best to regain his composure as he turned around and saw the rest of the losers.

“Come on Staniel. I think it’s a great comparison. From the size to how everyone wants a piece of it. Right Bev?” Beverly finally turned around to see everyone looking at her, clearly waiting for a response.

“Airhead, how many times have I told you, no one wants a piece of something that doesn’t exist.” She turned to Richie, not ready to see everyone. Not while they were in this aisle.   
She quickly reached down to grab his hand. Richie, sensing her anxiety gave it a quick squeeze to help calm her down. This small action went unnoticed by everyone except Bill. When he saw it, he took a step to the back of the group, something that no one noticed.

“How dare you insult me like this, in front of all of our friends! I thought our connection was deeper than that Princess.”

“Well you thought wrong Airhead.” Beverly finally turned to face the losers.  
“Anyways, what are you guys doing here?” She asked.

“You’d know if you checked the group chat for once. Or responded to anyones texts. We’re getting snacks for the movie weekend that you guys are late for. The real question is why are you guys here.” Eddie was visibly angry and though he tried to control his tone during his rant, Beverly and Richie could still feel the biting sting of his words.

“We were buying cigarettes to share for the weekend.” Bev shrugged her shoulders, as if to say ‘why else would we be here?’ The lie physically hurt her to say. She couldn’t even look Eddie in the eyes as she said it. 

“Uh huh. I didn’t realize they sold cigarettes by the fucking condoms.” Eddie was losing the little control over his vocal tone that he had.

“That would be my fault Eds, I dragged Bev over here to get opinions on the condoms I should use on your mom when I sneak out of the movie weekend. Her and I can be as loud as we want since you’ll be at Bills.” The lie rolled off Richie’s lips effortlessly. The group seemed to accept it as truth and the tension that had settled over the group dissipated.

“You asshole, how many times do I have to tell you to not talk about my mom like that?” Eddie went to smack Richie on the arm and Richie gave a deep belly laugh that made Beverly think of home.

Quietly laughing to herself as the group dynamics felt normal again, Beverly let go of Richies hand and walked to look for snacks of her own.   
As she was walking around the store, Bevs mind started to wander to the losers and how they would react if they knew the truth of why she was at the store. She was so out of it that she didn’t even notice as someone walked up behind her and picked a snack off the shelf in front of her. 

“Holy shit.” She breathed out as quietly as possible, trying to not let her panic show. 

“H-here Bev. Y-you can n-never decide b-but you always get th-these.” Bill held the bag of salt and vinegar chips out to her. He managed to keep his face neutral, not betraying anything he had felt when he saw her and Richie together. There was however, a look in his green eyes that she didn’t necessarily recognize. She searched them trying to understand what he was hiding. She saw hope, sadness, and something else. As quickly as she noticed these though, he broke eye contact and took a small step back from her. 

“Oh. Thanks Bill.” She tried to sound happy, but in reality she was still reeling from the emotions she saw in his eyes and from the fact that he knew exactly what she normally got for movie nights.

“So…” He trailed off, obviously wanting to say something but not knowing how to phrase it. Bev just quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Sooo what?” She tried to play it cool but could feel her anxiety starting to bubble up.

“You h-h-haven’t be-en ar-round much lately. E-e-everything ok-kay?” Bill seemed to deflate as he spoke. His stutter was clearly annoying him, and Beverly could tell that he had a lot more that he wanted to say. He just couldn’t get it out.

“Yeah I know. I’ve been having some problems with my dad lately. It’s made it hard to check my phone and make it to things.” Beverly’s voice wavered with the sadness in it. She could only hope that by telling a half-truth Bill wouldn’t notice that she was leaving details out.

“Oh. B-but you’re still g-good for this w-we-weekend, right?”

“Yep. I got it all figured out. You’re stuck with me all weekend Denbrough.” Bev gave him a smile and felt herself blush slightly when she saw him smile too. They stood in silence for a minute. Where some might feel awkward in the silence, they both felt comforted.

“Do, do you want to ditch these losers and walk to my house with me?” Bev looked at him in shock. Not because of the question, but because it was the first time in a while that she hadn’t heard him stutter.

“Um, yeah. Just give me a minute to pay for these and grab my stuff out of Richie’s truck.” She didn’t notice Bill stiffen slightly at the mention of Richie’s name. She was more in shock that she had said yes to being alone with him.

“I c-can p-p-pay for th-those B-b-bev. A-and I’m sure that R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-richie won’t mind bringing your s-s-stuff inside when he g-g-gets there.” Beverly wanted to comment about how his stuttering had acted up again for seemingly no reason, but she decided better of it

“Okay. Just um. Let me give him money for the...uh...cigarettes. And let him know where I’m going. I’ll meet you at the front of the store?” 

“S-s-sure.” He held out his hand to take the chips from her and went to the checkout counter. 

With her thoughts racing in her head, Beverly went up to Richie who was deep in conversation with the rest of the losers.

“Hey Princess, saw you were over there talking to a certain someone for a while.” As soon as Richie saw Bev approaching he ended whatever far fetched story he was telling and paid attention to her. Upon seeing this, Eddie’s smile vanished.

“Oh shut up Airhead. I’m actually going to walk back to his place with him. So here’s some money for what we came here for.” She handed him a twenty.

“Right. The cigarettes. Thanks Princess.” He gave her a wink that reassured her that he would buy the test for her and that he would do his best to keep it a secret from everyone else.

“Just put them in my makeup bag okay? It’s inside my duffel.”

Eddie’s eyebrows shot up with the realization that if Beverly was asking Richie to put things in her makeup bag for her, it meant that he had once again driven her somewhere.

“What? You’re gonna leave me with your duffel? I’m not your slave Princess.”

“Oh come on Airhead. Just bring it into Bills when you get there, please?” On the word ‘please’ she looked up to him and gave a slight pout. He laughed and rolled his eyes.

“Well when you look at me like that, how can I say no? See you soon Princess.”

“Thanks Airhead!” Beverly gave him a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before going to meet Bill at the front of the store.

“A hug and a kiss? Wow Rich. Someone's getting lucky” Eddie sounded slightly jealous but tried to play it off as joking.  
“Oh don’t be jealous Eds, you know your mom is the only woman for me! Go pick snacks. I’m gonna buy my cigs and then I’ll drive you all over to Bills for this loser extravaganza!”

Eddie wrinkled his brow at the realization that Richie didn't deny he was getting lucky. Everyone else had perked up at the reminder of the weekend they were going to have, so Eddie decided to not focus on it and enjoy what he could. 

As Richie went to the counter to pay for the test, he saw Bill and Beverly leave the store. Bill tried to grab her hand, and Richie smiled when he saw that she let him.  
‘Progress’ he thought. ‘She’s finally making some progress’  
With a smile he went back to paying the bored cashier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm decently proud of this chapter. I'm thinking that this is going to be the halfway point of the story, but no promises. I keep coming up with more details to put in. Thanks to all of you for putting up with my weird 'update whenever grad school isn't making me cry' schedule!


	8. Movie Weekend Pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beverly and Bill have a fun walk back to his house, Richie has some interesting taste in music, and the losers are all back together. The fun can last all night, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mention of a flashback that causes Beverly to have a panic attack. The flashback is not in detail and I tried to not make the attack too detailed either, but I wanted to warn anyone who might be triggered by that.

Beverly was surprised at how easy it was to just exist when she was with Bill. When they started to walk to his house, she grew nervous and didn’t know how she was going to get through the walk, until he reached for her hand. As soon as he took it in his own, all of her anxieties went away. Beverly had forgotten how comforting touch could be. She was physically affectionate with Richie, but he was an exception. He was the only person she was able to do that with since the incident. Being able to do something as simple as hold hands with someone else made her happier than she had felt in a long time. 

The two walked in silence for a bit. Similar to how it was in the pharmacy; it was a comfortable silence. They were existing together and conversation wasn’t necessary for them. Without realizing it, Beverly leaned into Bill a bit more as they continued to walk. Lost in her thoughts about how much she missed the feelings that Bill brought her, she didn’t even notice him looking down at her with a small smile on his face.

“I missed this.” She breathed out, barely even aware that she said those words out loud.

“I did too.” Bill said back. His voice was somewhere between its normal volume and a whisper. Loud enough for her to hear, but still soft enough to not startle her.

Suddenly he stopped walking entirely, let go of her hand and turned to look at Beverly. She was afraid that he was stopping to ask her why she hadn’t been in contact lately.   
“You know what else I missed?” His voice was back at its normal volume and she was so happy that he wasn’t asking questions that she didn’t notice the mischievous glint in his eyes.

“What?”

“This.” With a giant grin, he reached over and decided to tickle her sides.

“You asshole!” She tried to get away from him but was laughing too hard to make any progress.

She tried to tickle him back, but his height made it hard for her to retaliate the way she wanted to. Even though she didn’t stop trying to get Bill back, the one-sided tickle fight continued until Bill couldn’t stop laughing at her laughter and reactions.

Eventually the two calmed down and went back to their relatively quiet walk. This time though, Bev was the one to initiate the hand holding. The action of her grabbing Bills hand was so sudden that it took both of them by surprise. He just smiled at her in the caring way that only he could. Shyly she looked away from him, trying and failing to cover up how much she was blushing. 

At one point in their walk their peace was broken as Richie’s truck drove by them. Bev went to shout at the rest of the losers until she noticed that the truck was blaring One Direction. Even over the music, Bill and Bev could hear Eddie complaining to Richie about the song choice.

“It is just...amazing how loud Eddie can scream at Richie.” Bill stated with his mouth slightly open in shock.

Bev laughed at his reaction and shook her head.  
“Honestly, I can’t believe that’s the song he chose to play to flirt with Eddie.”

“W-w-w-what?” Bill stopped in his tracks and stared at her.

Confused, Bev returned his stare. “What?”

“F-f-flirt with E-e-eddie?”

Slowly Bev nodded. “He’s head over heels for that boy. Have you really not noticed?”

“I g-g-guess not.”

“Weird. I thought it was obvious.” Bev slowly started to walk again. Bill followed, lost in his racing thoughts. There was so much new information that he had to process, but it made him happy. 

During the last few minutes of the walk Beverly and Bill joked about better song choices that Richie could have used in the car ride. It was the most genuine laughter that either of them had produced in a long time. Their laughter was interrupted by a honking horn as soon as they got to Bill’s driveway.

“Took you long enough Princess and Princess-ette. I could’ve gotten laid three times since we’ve been waiting for you.”

Bev opened her mouth to respond to Richie, but Bill beat her to it.  
“No wonder no one wants to sleep with you if it’s over that fast.” 

Richie just stared in shock. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that.   
Bev laughed and high fived Bill before she walked over to Richie.   
“A silent Airhead. It’s a miracle!” 

Bill just laughed and led the other losers into his house. Eddie was giving Bill weird looks, normally he was upset with the nicknames too, but now it seemed that something had changed. 

Soon it was just Richie and Beverly left outside to get their stuff out of his truck.

“I put the change in your makeup bag with the thing.” Richie spoke lowly when grabbing his bag. He didn’t want to risk the other losers overhearing. Bev’s smile faded a little bit, and her anxiety started to climb again. Richie opened his mouth to say something to calm her down, but was cut off by her.

“Really Airhead? You played Illusion by One Direction to flirt with Eddie? How much more obvious can you be?”

Richie’s face turned bright red. “How do you know about that?” He couldn’t look her in the eyes when he spoke and tried to keep his voice steady.

“Oh hon. You talk in your sleep.” Bev’s voice started to raise as she mimicked him. “Eds, I love you soooooo much I just wanna kiss your cheeks and your face.” 

Richie’s put his head in his hands as he mumbled, “I fucking hate you. Don’t tell anyone please.”

“Okay. I won’t tell anyone...else.”

When he heard that, Richie brought his head up so fast that Beverly thought he was about to give himself whiplash.   
“What do you mean by ‘anyone else’?”

Sheepishly Bev brought her right hand to her left shoulder and started to scratch.   
“Ummm, well. You see. I might’ve told Bill that you had feelings for Eddie. I didn’t tell him how I knew. But...yeah. It’s Bill though. You know he won’t tell anyone. He’ll probably forget all about it by the end of the weekend.”

Richie just sighed and nodded his head, resigning himself to try to believe her. Bev just smiled and took Richie’s hand as they both went inside, ready to enjoy a movie weekend with their best friends.

When they got inside, they were happy to see that they chaos of having all the losers together had already begun. Ben was blasting Old Town Road and was trying to get Mike to dance, Eddie was talking a mile a minute about the diseases horses had and all the different ways a cowboy could die, Stan looked like he was trying to read but couldn’t because of Eddie talking his ear off, and Bill was laying on the couch just watching everything unfold. Eddie was the first one to notice the two of them come in.

“Finally, it took you guys forever to get your stuff out of Richie’s truck. I didn’t realize it took so long to ONLY get bags out of a car.” His tone was very pointed and everyone in the room knew what he was insinuating. 

Beverly was the first to react. She looked at Eddie and made a show of looking Richie up and down, as if she was checking him out.  
“Nah, I don’t sleep with people who choose their outfits from a dumpster.” She shot Eddie a wink, put her bag down, and sat on the couch, moving Bills head so that it was in her lap.

Stan tried to hide a smirk by hiding his face in his book, but even the littlest things such as an expression never went unnoticed when Eddie was around. 

“What the fuck are you smiling about, asshole?!” Eddie snapped defensively, causing Stan to laugh at how quickly he retorted. 

“Nothing,” Stan snickered quietly, looking up at Eddie and Richie before returning his attention back to his book. “Nothing at all.”

The night continued smoothly after that. The seven losers were able to fall back into their rhythm as if nothing had happened. As if their lives were drama free. Unfortunately, all good things had to come to an end. 

As the seven were getting ready for bed, the boys started to change in front of Beverly without thinking. None of them were nervous around her and they had all swum in the quarry in their underwear often enough that it seemed normal to strip in front of her. 

Normally Bev would just change and take off her bra under her shirt once she was in her pajamas. But she couldn’t even get to that thought. She wasn’t seeing her friends in front of her, she wasn’t hearing their lighthearted banter. All she could see and hear was her father from that night. 

Bill was the first to notice that she was frozen. When he touched her arm to make sure she was okay, she flinched away as if she had been burned. When he tried to step closer to her, she continuously stepped away. A few steps later, she bumped into Stan. At that she screamed and ran to Richie, burying her head in his chest. Over her sobs she could hear the losers asking what was going on. She didn’t have to see them to picture the confused looks on their faces. When she started to shake from holding in tears, Richie finally seemed to realize what happened. Ignoring the others he tried to get Beverly to lift her head.

“Bev? Princess? Can you look at me?” He spoke in the quietest voice that any of the others had heard him use. She just shook her head and whimpered. Everyone in the room froze at that noise. None of them had ever heard something so small and fragile sounding come from Beverly before. She was normally the strongest one out of all of them, never appearing small and never letting anyone see her vulnerable. 

Noticing how everyone went silent and was staring at them, Richie sighed. He wanted to tell them what was going on, but he knew he couldn’t. Even in a situation like this, it wasn’t his story to tell.   
Looking back down at her Richie spoke lowly but clearly, “Stan? Can you grab her makeup bag and give it to me? I’m going to take her to the bathroom and calm her down.”  
Bill looked like he wanted to protest and be the one to help her, but Stan gave him a look that said ‘now isn’t the time.’ 

Once Stan had given the makeup bag to Richie, Richie leaned down to talk to Bev.  
“Love? You still here with me?” She slowly nodded, she was still crying into his chest but it wasn’t as powerful as it was originally.  
“Okay Princess, we’re going to go to the bathroom and wipe off your makeup. Then we’re going to get you calm. Look at me if you can do that.” Bev raised her head and looked Richie in the eyes when she nodded. She detangled herself from Richie, still holding onto his hand and the two of them walked to the Denbroughs bathroom. 

Once the two had left, Eddie was the one to voice the thought running through everyone’s head; “what the fuck just happened.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry that it has taken me so long to post again. This chapter and the next one were really difficult for me to write and I wanted to make sure that they were perfect which made it take even longer. I'm going to try to be better and hopefully life doesn't stop me from finishing soon. I love you all for putting up with my shitty posting schedule.


	9. Movie Weekend Pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftereffects of Beverly's panic attack. Also known as, how much swearing can someone put into one chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING  
NOTHING IS GRAPHIC BUT THERE ARE REFERENCES TO RECENT SELF HARM, CLEANING THOSE WOUNDS, PANIC ATTACKS, AND PREGNANCY TESTS.  
If you want to know what happens but still want to stay safe, scroll to the end notes! Please please please keep yourselves safe.

Under the fluorescent lighting, Richie could clearly see how bad the panic attack had affected Beverly. Her eyes were bloodshot, her entire face was red again, there were tear tracks through the makeup that she had painstakingly applied earlier, and her mascara and eyeliner had been thoroughly destroyed. Richie was positive that if he looked at the shirt he was wearing, he’d see a mess. But he didn’t care about any of that. He just wanted to make sure that Beverly was okay. 

Not trusting herself to speak, Beverly gestured towards her makeup bag and hoped that Richie understood what she wanted.  
Luckily it seemed as though he did. He handed her the bag with no hesitation.

Bev tried to open it as soon as it was in her hands. Richie watched her rush and struggle to because her hands were shaking so badly. He wanted to reach over and help her, but also knew that she would want some form of independence while she calmed down.

When she was finally able to open the bag, the first thing she saw was the pregnancy test box. Having a stark reminder of why she was breaking down in front of her changed Bev’s anxiety and fear into anger. Without even thinking she took the test and threw it at the floor by Richie’s feet. He wanted to reach down and pick it up, but decided against it in case Bev decided to throw anything else. 

After a few minutes of Beverly angrily rubbing at her face with her makeup wipes, Richie could see her deflate. The attack and her anger had taken away any energy she had.

“Soooo...you wanna tell me what happened back there?” Richie leaned against the bathroom counter with his arms crossed.

“You can guess.” Bevs voice was clipped and short. She turned away from Richie to look towards the sink. Her head was hanging down as if she couldn’t face herself in the mirror.

“Tell me about it. It’ll help.”

“Fine.” Richie could tell Bev wanted to fight about it, but she was too tired.

“When everyone was getting changed all I could see was five versions of my father. On everyone’s faces, I saw the look he had when he was about to attack me. All I could hear was his voice. What he said to me. When I ran into someone, I could feel his arms around me. You were the only person who wasn’t him. Which is why I ran to you.” She said all of this without looking at him, but he knew it was the truth. 

Even though it was the answer he was expecting, hearing the words come out of Beverly's mouth made it more real. He didn’t know how to comfort her, so he did what he’s been doing for the past month. He pulled her in for a tight hug. 

“We can leave and go home. It’ll be okay.” He whispered while stroking her hair. Richie knew that he could speak at a normal level, but he thought the softness was needed. 

“I don’t know. I could walk home and you could stay here, have fun with the boys.” She spoke into his chest, her voice was muffled but Richie still understood what she meant.

“Love, I don’t want to leave you alone right now.”

She nodded. While she didn’t want to be babied she understood. Bev pulled away from the hug.

“I don’t fully want to leave. I was having a really good time until this.” 

“Well Princess, we can chill in here a bit longer. I can go talk to everyone, tell them that you had an attack because you’ve been having nightmares, get them to put a movie on, make sure that when you’re okay that everyone understands your comfort levels.”

“I’d like that a lot Rich.” Bev gave a small smile.  
With that, Richie stood up and started to head to the door.

“Wait!”

“What’s up?”

“I think,” Bev sighed as she struggled to say what she wanted to. “I think I want to take the test now.” Richie furrowed his brow in confusion.

“Now?”

“I just. I need to know Richie. I don’t know if I can have this over my head for the rest of the weekend. I want to spend time with everyone with my whole self here. Not with part of me anxious about this. Even if it’s positive, I can’t handle the not knowing. Not when I’m supposed to be having fun.” Her voice was worn and tired. She sounded defeated, as if she was on the verge of tears again.

“Okay. I can’t say I agree with your choice, but I’ll respect it.” Richie leaned down to pick up the test that Bev had thrown earlier. He resisted the urge to hug her again when he handed it to her.

“Can you go outside while I do this? I don’t really want you to see me take the test.” Bev pulled away. She couldn’t look him in the eye while making her request.  
Richie chuckled slightly “I’m glad you asked, as much as I love and adore you, there is no way in hell I want to watch you pee on a stick.”  
Bev smiled slightly and went to push him out of the door. Instead he walked into it, both of them had forgotten that it was locked. Richie and Bev laughed while Richie unlocked the door. 

Before he slipped out, he looked back at her and whispered, “Please only take the test Bev. Nothing else.” Beverly didn’t look at him while the door closed.

He stared at the closed door for a second, sighing to himself because she hadn’t responded to his request. He turned around and was faced with five losers staring at him intently. 

“H-h-h-how is s-she?” Bill asked. His voice was wavering and he didn’t even seem to notice that he stuttered through the sentence. 

Richie sighed and looked at everyone. “She’s doing better. The crying mostly stopped and we cleaned up her makeup. She’s still on edge though.”  
Everyone except Bill seemed to take a breath and relax at that.

“W-w-why aren’t y-y-you s-s-s-still in th-there? Sh-sh-she n-n-n-needs help.” The concern in Bill’s voice was evident, but there was an underlying tone of anger. He was mad that Richie would leave Beverly alone for even a second.

“I really didn’t want to watch her piss.” 

“O-oh.” Hearing his response Bill seemed to deflate a bit. After a few minutes of uncomfortable small talk that faded into silence, Richie couldn’t stand not being in the bathroom, not knowing what was happening. He didn’t want to think about what was taking Bev so long.

After a quick knock on the door it opened slightly.

“Hey love, can I come back in? Or do you want to be alone a little longer?”

“You can come in.” She whispered. The others were taken aback at how defeated her voice sounded. You could tell that she had been crying with how gravely her voice was. The defeated tone was mixed with fear and it left everyone worried all over again. 

As Richie went in, he turned to Bill; “Can you get her some water? And maybe pain meds? I think she’s going to have a killer headache.” Bill didn’t trust himself to not stutter, so he just nodded.

Nobody noticed that Richie forgot to lock the bathroom door after he went in.

“Didn’t think it would take that long to pee on a stick.” Richie remarked casually. He knew that something else had probably happened, but he wanted to put the ball in her court. He wanted to give her the out if she wanted it. 

“It didn’t.” She couldn’t look at him when she said that. He had asked one thing of her before leaving the room, and she failed. She failed him.  
Richie could see the warring emotions on her face, and just kissed her on the top of her head.

“It’s okay Bev. I’m not mad, I promise.”

She looked into his eyes looking for any hint of a lie, when she couldn’t see any she held out her pinkie. Laughing slightly to himself, Richie completed the pinkie promise.

“C’mon. It’s a bathroom, I’m sure there’s something to clean those up with. We’ll do that while we wait.”  
The first aid kit was easily located underneath the sink and once he grabbed it, he turned to see the damage that Beverly had inflicted upon herself.  
Bev was ready for that. She had her left arm extended and refused to look at Richie as he took in what she had done. Instead of seeing normal cuts, Richie was faced with an arm that had the word ‘broken’ written on it.

“You’re not broken.” Richie whispered this to her as he started to clean the cuts and bandage her arm. Beverly didn’t say anything in response but Richie could see the few tears that ran down her cheeks. 

Their quiet was interrupted by a phone alarm going off. Both jumped at the sudden noise and Beverly looked terrified.

“Will you look at it with me? I’m scared. What if it’s positive, what will I do Richie?” Beverly started working herself back up into an anxiety attack.

“Bev. It isn’t going to be positive.” He said this with much more confidence than he felt. “And even if it is positive,” he continued, “I’ll be with you every step of the way. No matter what.”

“Okay.” Beverly straightened up and squared her shoulders. She was going to face this test with everything she had left in her. Her left hand grabbed Richie’s while her right hand went to get the test off the counter. When they looked at it, she was met with the sight of only one line. The test was negative.

“Richie. It’s negative. It’s negative!” Bev felt like a giant weight had been lifted off her shoulders. “Look! It’s negative! I’m okay!” Never letting go of the test, she wrapped her arms around Richie’s neck and hugged him as hard as she could. He hugged back just as hard. 

Over their celebration, they hadn’t heard the bathroom door open. They didn’t notice anything until they heard a glass hit the ground. Bev looked up from Richie’s shoulder and saw that Bill was in the doorway looking shocked. 

“Bill. It’s not-” Bev started to whisper, but she cut herself off when she saw the rest of the losers start to trickle in.

Richie turned around as soon as Bev started to speak, and cursed internally when he realized that the test had been in view of the door when Bill walked in.

“What the fuck. Why the fuck do you have a pregnancy test? I knew you guys weren’t getting fucking cigarettes at the store. You fucking assholes.”

Stan, ever the voice of reason tried to calm Eddie down. “Eddie, I’m sure there’s an explanation. We just have to let them speak.”

“Fuck that. No. What is there to explain? They fucked and were stupid about it. Who knows how many times they fucked in the month they weren’t with us. That’s probably why they didn’t want to see us. They didn’t want us to know that they were fucking. They figured they could hide it from us and have their fun. They used their cute little pet names for each other thinking that we were too dumb to figure it out. Now they’re fucked because they were fucking idiots and Richie knocked up the town slut.”

As soon as those words left Eddie’s mouth, Beverly felt the silent tears stream down her face. She looked at Richie for help but all she could see was the face of someone who was hurting as much as she was. She kept looking around, but didn’t know who to look at. All she could see was the judgment and anger on Eddie’s face and the pure disappointment on Bill’s. 

“I-I have to go.” She ran out of the bathroom without another word.

“Stand by the truck. We’ll go home in a minute. I’ll drive, it’ll be faster than you walking to the apartment.” Richie yelled this at her as she ran, he hoped that she would listen but didn’t know if she was cohesive enough to.

“Home? Apartment? Of course they’re living together. It makes it easier to fuck your whore I guess. You can have her anytime when you fucking live with her.” Eddie wasn’t even trying to hide the anger he had. He wanted to hurt Richie and Beverly with his words, and he knew he was succeeding.

Richie turned to him with a steely glare.  
“You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. She is not a whore or a slut. I have never slept with her and I offered her a place to live when she needed it. Like a friend. Because she is one of my best friends. And she is an amazing person who does not deserve your hatred over something you don’t understand.”  
Richie then turned to Stan, his eyes softened and he spoke much faster.

“Stan, I need you to grab mine and Beverly’s duffels. I’ll text you the address to our apartment. Come bring them as soon as possible. I’d stop to grab them but she can’t be alone at all right now. I’ll explain more when you get there.”

“I’ve got it Richie. Go. Now.” Stan’s voice was calm and Richie had never been more thankful to have him as a friend. 

Richie took one last look at everyone before he left the house to drive Beverly home. He was met with the concerned looks of Stan, Mike, and Ben. But what stuck with him was the pure sadness on Bills face and the pure anger on Eddies. They were all he could think about on the drive back to the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope people didn't read this if it triggered them. If you skipped down here because of that, or because you saw how long the chapter was, Bev broke, Richie left the bathroom while Bev took the pregnancy test. Bill and the rest of the losers walked in while Bev and Richie were celebrating it being negative. Eddie got pissed, Bill got sad, and Bev ran out of the room. Richie left to drive her to the apartment, so now the losers all know that the two are living together.


	10. The breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan learns some of the story when he drops by Richie and Bevs apartment.

As soon as Richie and Bev made it to the apartment, Beverly went into the bedroom and shut the door. 

Richie knocked on the door, “Stan is going to be here soon with our stuff. Do you want to come out and talk to him?”There was a long stretch of silence before he heard a soft ‘no’ from the other side of the door.

“Okay. We’ll probably be in the kitchen if he wants to stay after he drops off our stuff. Please come out if you need anything.” Richie wasn’t expecting to hear a response, but he still waited for a minute. As he started to walk away, he heard her whisper ‘okay’.

He sighed and headed into the kitchen. He looked at his phone and saw a flood of texts from the losers, the only one he focused on was from Stan asking for the address. He quickly sent a response and turned off his phone. He didn’t want to see what the other losers had said. 

While he normally would have put on music to escape his thoughts, Richie suddenly found that he needed the silence. He needed to sort through and process everything that happened instead of ignoring it.

As he was thinking about everything that happened in the last 12 hours, Richie grabbed three mugs and started to make hot chocolate. It was Bev’s comfort drink, and from living with her it had become his too. If Stan ended up not wanting one, he was sure either he or Bev would drink it. 

He was finishing Bev’s mug with her preferred amount of whipped cream when Stan came in.

“Hey.”

“Hey Stan, thanks for doing this for us. We both really appreciate it.”

“Not a problem. Where should I put everything?”

“I’ll take them.” Richie grabbed both of the duffels from Stan. He swung his over his right shoulder and picked Bev’s up in his left hand. He grabbed the finished mug of hot chocolate and walked to the bedroom.

“Can you knock on the door for me?” Richie looked a little sheepish as he asked. Stan simply nodded and knocked.

“Hey love. Stan brought our stuff, will you open the door for me?” The tone of Richie’s voice was drastically different when he was calling out to Bev. It was softer around the edges than his normal voice.

After a moment the door opened to reveal Bev wrapped in blankets. She smiled weakly at Stan but turned away quickly to grab the duffels from Richie. After both were put down Bev opened her mouth to say something. 

“Hot chocolate for the lady.” Richie cut her off by offering her the drink in a horrendous British accent. She chuckled as she grabbed the drink, smiling a bit more genuinely when he completed the act with an over dramatic bow. 

“Remember love, we’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.” Bev nodded and waved at Stan. Stan smiled softly and waved back as the door closed.

As they were walking to the kitchen Stan looked like he was wrestling with wanting to say something. The two sat in silence with their hot chocolate for a few minutes before Stan seemingly made up his mind.

“Is she going to be okay in there by herself?”

Richie froze. He tried to put on a neutral face but his shock was not easily hidden.

“What do you mean?” He couldn’t look at Stan when he asked. He was trying to stay calm but his voice was wavering.

Stan sighed. He didn’t want to explain himself, but it looked like he had to. “I mean, is there anything in the room that she can hurt herself with?”

Richie paled and looked down. He couldn’t look Stan in the eyes.. “I shouldn’t be surprised that you figured it out, but how?”

“She’s been wearing long sleeves for a while, even though it’s summer. I noticed her fidgeting with her sleeves all night and when she ran out, there were bandages peeking out from them.” Stan tried to keep his voice steady and neutral. He tried to pretend that he was reading from a textbook instead of talking about one of his best friends.

“Why do you have to be so observant?” Richie tried to smile, tried to make it sound like a joke, but the exhaustion and sadness seeped through.

Stan gave a bittersweet smile. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think anyone else has noticed.”

Richie’s face showed his warring emotions. Stan could distinguish sadness, anger, and some relief. The emotion that seemed to win was defeat. 

“Good. That’s a good thing.” Richie tried to sound confident, but it was obvious that Richie was disappointed.

“Is it?” Stan raised an eyebrow at that. He wasn’t trying to push Richie, but he wanted to know the truth.

“No it’s fucking not good! Is that what you wanted to hear Stan?” Richie stood up and shouted at his friend, his emotions starting to break. His eyes flicked to the bedroom door after he realized he yelled. The last thing he wanted was to trigger another attack in Beverly.

His voice lowered, but the anger was still present. “It’s not okay that none of our friends have noticed that she is falling apart. It’s not okay that no one seems to care about either of us. It’s not fucking okay that the second things go wrong everyone else freezes up and assumes the worst about both of us. It’s not fucking okay that everyone has decided that it’s okay to not fucking be there for your friends anymore. Nothing about this is fucking okay Stanley.”

Stan went to put his hand on Richie’s shoulder. He wanted to calm his friend down and say something, anything to help. But he couldn’t even get his mouth open before Richie started again.

“And I can’t even fucking tell you what’s going on because it’s not my story to tell. It’s not my life that’s been ripped apart. It’s not my world that’s been shattered. It’s hers. That’s the worst part. I could handle things if it were me. I know how to be strong for myself. I don’t know how to be strong for her. I don’t know how to fight her demons. I’m not supposed to be her knight in shining armor. But fate decided that I am. I’m not the person she wants with her through this. But I’m the person she got. And I’m going to do my damndest to make sure that she gets through to the other side because it’s the only thing I can do. I can’t lose her Stan. I can’t lose my sister.”

That was the breaking point for Richie. His voice had gotten shakier through his speech, he had been trying so hard to not break into tears. But the second he referred to Bev as his sister, he collapsed to the floor and broke down in sobs. 

Stan was by his side in an instant, holding Richie as he let out his emotions, mumbling that it was going to be okay, that they weren’t alone.

He was so involved in calming Richie down that he hadn’t realized that Beverly had come out of the bedroom.

“Rich?” Her voice was soft but still managed to cut through everything. 

“Bev?” He looked up at her, scanning her face for any indication that something was wrong. He started to stand up so he could comfort her.

Before he got the chance, she was on the floor with him. Without hesitation Stan let go of Richie and let Beverly hold him instead. 

“I’m so glad it was you who found me. No one else would’ve annoyed me into talking. You saved me Rich. You are exactly the person I needed to survive. To remember that life is worth living. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. I need you to know that. I need you to know that you have been everything I needed and more. I love you so much Richie. You’re not going to lose me. I promise. I have a whole lifetime of annoying you. You’re my brother Rich, I’m your sister, and I’m here.” 

Stan felt as though he had witnessed something too personal. It was an intimate moment between the two, and he was just there. Starting to fidget, he decided that it was time for him to leave.

“Stan?” Beverly called for him as he stood up..

“Yeah?”

She grabbed his hand and interlaced their fingers.

“Tomorrow I’ll tell you the full story. You deserve that.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” Stan didn’t want her to feel pressured just because he was in the apartment.

“It sounds like you have parts figured out already.” She let out a dry laugh at that. “Besides, I want you to know the full story. Just not tonight.”

Stan nodded slowly.

“Okay. I’ll be at Bills though. I told them I’d be back tomorrow. I think the others want to pretend that things are normal.” Bev tensed when Stan mentioned Bill and the others, and Stan internally cursed himself.

“Okay. I can handle that. We’ll just talk away from them.”

Bev gave a weak smile. Stan gave a smile of his own and squeezed her hand in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture.

“I’m going home for the night. Please text me if you need anything.”

Stan directed his last sentence at both of them. He wanted Richie to know that he wasn’t alone either.

Once he reached the door, Stan was pulled back and into a hug. He hadn’t known Richie could move that fast. As he hugged his best friend with everything he had, Richie whispered a thank you to Stan.

Smiling and nodding at his friends, Stan left them to sleep and let himself think about what the coming day would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update! There's been a lot going on lately. But I will be updating when I can, I am determined to finish this story.


	11. Little do They Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan deserves the truth after last night. Is Bev ready to tell it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WILL BE THE MOST TRIGGERING CHAPTER I WRITE.  
Bev talks in vague details about what happened with her dad. She also talks about how she started to self harm.  
Please please please read at your own risk and stay safe!

Bev shakily raised her hand to knock on the door in front of her. She knew that she needed to talk to Stan and he said that he would be at Bills house. That wouldn’t be too bad, but she knew that everyone was here. She didn’t know if she could face anyone but Stan right now.

She knocked quickly and held her breath. Unfortunately for her, Eddie was the person who opened the door. His face quickly morphed from smiling to a look of pure hatred. Beverly flinched at the intensity of it.

“What do you want whore?” His eyes locked onto hers in a steely glare. Bev felt that she couldn’t even look at him. She seemed to collapse into herself as she broke their eye contact to drop her head and look at her shoes.

“I. Um. I came to talk to Stan.” Bev tried to keep her voice steady, but the wavering in it gave away that she was on the verge of tears.

“What? One guy not enough for you?” His voice escalated quickly and he was basically shouting. Beverly tried to blink back the tears that were rapidly forming. She wanted to stutter out a denial but her brain wasn’t able to come up with a response. She was about to turn and run when she heard a voice.

“Bev. Hey.” Bill spoke softly, he couldn’t look at her. His eyes were downcast and it broke her heart to know that it was because of her. “Stan said that he’d be out in a minute.” With that he left.

Bev desperately wanted to call after him and talk, but she couldn’t. It was easier to let him hate her for this than hate her for the truth. She stood there awkwardly. Eddie hadn’t left when Bill did, he stayed in the doorway glaring at her. If looks could kill, she would be dead at least 10 times by now.

After what felt like an eternity, Stan finally came out. He immediately saw how Beverly had shrunk in on herself and he could feel the hostile energy radiating from Eddie.

“Eddie, please go inside. This is a private conversation.” Stan tried to keep his voice light to not upset Eddie further. It didn't work and only made him angrier. His glare turned to Stan.

“Whatever, have fun with the whore.” Quickly Eddie went inside, purposefully slamming the door. Stan wasn’t sure which made Beverly flinch more, Eddie’s words or the door slam.

After a minute of silence Bev was the first one to speak up. “Can we sit in the truck for this? I-” She trailed off, not seeming to know how to finish her sentence. Stan just gave a soft smile and a nod. He followed her to the bed of the truck.

“I don’t really know where to start. Or what to say.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. We can just sit here.” Beverly gave Stan a smile that quickly turned into a frown. “I can’t do that. I told you that you deserved the story and you do. I told you that I’d tell you what happened so I’m going to. I have to.”

With that, she turned her head to stare at the driveway. As if she would break down if she saw the look on his face when he heard her tale.

“Okay.” Stan held out his hand, giving her the choice to hold it if she needed something to ground her. Cautiously she took it.

“I’ll start with the easier stuff, then I’ll go to the worse stuff.” She seemed to be talking to herself instead of him at that moment.

“I’m pretty sure you already know this but I need to say it. I cut.” Her voice was surprisingly steady. A quick clench of her hand was the only way Stan knew how hard this was for her. Stan waited a minute before opening his mouth to speak. Immediately Bev cut him off. “I know you’re going to say something nice or supportive, but please don’t. I need to get through this first.” Stan closed his mouth and nodded.

“I didn’t always cut. It used to be smaller things, scratching my arms, snapping a hair tie on my wrist, things like that you know? Three years of that. It helped. It gave me control when my dad was worse than normal, or something new was said about me in school. But two years ago, that wasn’t enough. So I grabbed a razor. It helped. It helped more than I want to admit. It still does, even when I go overboard like last night.”

Beverly shifted her body to face Stan. He could clearly see the tears forming in her eyes and didn’t know how to help her. Slowly she let go of his hand and rolled up the sleeve on her left arm to show him what she had carved the night before.

There on her arm was the word ‘broken’ in all capital block letters. Stan couldn’t take his eyes off it. He knew that she was self-harming in some way but didn’t know it was that bad. Slowly he raised his head to look Beverly in the eyes and nod for her to continue her story.

“It’s almost always been enough. But there have been times where not even this helps.” Stan inhaled sharply, getting an idea of where the conversation was heading. Noticing his reaction Beverly nodded. “I’ve almost always backed out at the last second. No matter what the plan was, something kept stopping me. But it got to be too much around a month ago. Richie found me on the way to the pharmacy. He drove me to his parents house to get me to talk.” She took a pause to laugh wryly. “He wouldn’t let me keep walking. I don’t know how but he knew to keep me away from the pharmacy. He saved me that night. I know that if he wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be here now.”

Bev took another minute to collect herself. Stan started to get nervous. Bev had said that she would go from the easiest to say to the hardest. What could be harder than her saying that she almost killed herself?

“The night Richie found me.” She sighed and her voice dropped to a whisper. “My dad was worse than normal. There was something different in his eyes. I know it was him, but it wasn’t.” Bev started to shrink in on herself and her eyes were suddenly unfocused. It felt to Stan as if she was reliving what she was about to tell him all over again.

“He had been drinking. That’s not new. I was trying to stay quiet in my room. All I was doing was listening to music and writing. That’s all. I was still in my jeans and tank top from earlier in the day. That’s when he walked in.” Bev took in a shuddering breath and tears started to fall down her face. She didn’t move to wipe them or stop them, it was as if she didn’t notice them at all. “I guess he thought that Bill was in the room with me. He stumbled in, yelling about the stuttering boy. He wouldn’t stop yelling about Bill could never make me feel good. That only he could because he knew what he was doing. That’s when I froze.” Stan couldn’t help it, he started to cry too. He finally knew what was coming next and it was the last thing on earth that he wanted to hear.

“He used me like I was a doll. For an hour all I could do was silently cry. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t say no. But I didn’t want it Stan. I promise I didn’t.” With that, Bev started to fall apart in earnest.

Without thinking Stan grabbed her and pulled her into the tightest hug he had ever given. She kept mumbling into his shirt while she cried. “It’s not your fault Bev. You’re going to be okay. You’re so strong. No matter what happens I’m here for you. It’s not your fault.” Stan kept repeating this into her hair as he held her. He wasn’t sure if she could hear him or not. He didn’t even know if his words would help her, but he kept repeating them until he felt her stop crying.

Finally Beverly lifted her head from his chest. He saw the apology for ruining his shirt on her lips. He saw the fear of rejection in her eyes. Most importantly he saw a weight be lifted off her shoulders. Stan tried his best to convey how strong he thought she was and how he would never reject him with his eyes. The way she relaxed made him think that it had worked.

“Thank you Bev.”

“For what?” She tilted her head at him questioningly, “I feel like I should be the one thanking you for listening.”

Stan smiled and got out of the truck bed, extending a hand to help Bev out. “Thank you for trusting me. We’ll figure it out, okay? I know I said this last night but you and Richie aren’t alone during this.”

Bev gave Stan such a genuine smile that he couldn’t help but to pull her into a hug. Just as she relaxed into it, both of them heard the front door open and the rushing of the rest of the boys leaving. Immediately she stiffened in his arms and Stan wanted to reassure her that things were okay, but he didn’t know how to. Stan held her tighter and watched the rest of the losers walk by. Stan didn’t want to but he found himself watching Eddie closer than the others, he was the more volatile one and he didn’t want Eddie to cause another attack in Bev.

If he hadn’t been watching so closely, he wouldn’t have noticed the look of pure despair on Eddie’s face. As quickly as he saw it, the look was gone. It was replaced with a look of anger. Eddie went to open his mouth to address the two hugging, but Stan could finally see the cracks in the mask. He saw the hurt underneath and silenced Eddie with one understanding look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for my clowntown friends Ricky, Rhu, Lucia, and Roman. You guys are the best. This chapter is also for Chloe and Danielle for keeping me sane while writing. I know that it's taken forever for me to get this chapter out and I'm not sure I would've if it hadn't been the support from them. Love you all more than you know.  
I don't know where I'd be without you guys

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if the formatting is weird. Grammar and formatting are not my strong suits in life.
> 
> Leave me comments on what you want to see! Hopefully I'll continue it and things will be good. Relationships will be developed as the story goes on.


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